Simpolitics Bitter Special: There Will Be Ranting

Welcome to another hot slice of fierce political commentary as Simpolitics returns with a special feature. It's been a busy week, you might say. Personally, I'd call it a clusterfuck of silly proportions. Rather than dredge you all in the political and corporate muck that's gone down this week and then leave you to fry, I figured it's about time we lightened the mood a little. After all, our politicians and chairmen are paid well enough to deal with shit on a daily basis. The rest of us, we need to find our own ways to blow off steam!

Simpolitics Nick Clegg Vince Cable Lord of the Rings parody poster art

After last week's failed coup attempt against Deputy Prime Porkchop Nick Clegg at the hands of sole-scapegoat Lord Oakeshott, the public had come to understand that the Business Secretary Vince Cable's former confidant secretly commissioned a poll to undermine the leadership of the Lib Dems' top boy, which had then been "leaked" to a national newspaper. Making for the exit after being publicly spanked and disowned by cable, Oakeshott's actions nonetheless served to add insult to injury following the frankly disasterous voting stats of late. Can't say we didn't tell you so, Nick. Being Cameron's bitch isn't good for the reputation, after all.

Vince Cable and Nick Clegg publicity pint

Like flies on shit, the mainstream media jumped all over the possibility that certain members of the Lib Dem closet *cough* cabinet (I really have to stop mistaking those two) have been itching to see Cable succeed Clegg, and the sooner the better, since next year is the time of general elections and clean slates etc. As a well-publicised show of solidarity, Clegg and Cable buggered off for a pint and were photographed in various Westminster-style catalogue poses with pint of bitter in hand. You know, something about that old show doesn't sit right with me, especially since nobody clearly cares enough about the Lib Dems to want to see them patch up their generation-gap bromance!

German Chancellor Angela Merkel as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Michaelangelo
Germans in a half-shell - Merkel Power!
There's been a bit of noise on the European Union front this week with David Cameron having "candid" talks (bitching) with German Chancellor and stern EU strategist Angela Merkel over who should become the next European Commission Chief. Ex-Luxembourg PM Jean-Claude Juncker is favourite, with some opposition from Cameron, who doesn't like the idea of a more close-knit and unified EU. What a fucking surprise. Personally, I'd even like to see Merkel get the job because she's got her head and her arse wired the right way around, but because she and Cameron see differently, Merkel has actually seen the wrong end of some pretty dim criticisms as a result. Want to know what I think?

David Cameron with Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband

I think I'd like to see some leaders in UK politics pay some fucking attention to what we're saying and to do what they're paid to do, by the taxpayer. I'd like to see a few more jawlines, too. Maybe if these folk treated us better, they'd be able to get out and enjoy themselves more without the fear of being egged and floured. Then they could burn off the excess calories to whatever pie-eating contests they've been engaging in with the old-school. Of course, when you have your fingers in as many pies as you can get your hands on, it would be a terrible waste to have to tighten your belt...

After hearing the government's promises this week in the Queen's Speech, many of you may have been surprised to find a few you could actually agree with, such as the war on Zero Hour Contracts and substandard wages. As much as I agree with that, I wonder how it's going to affect those clinging onto existence with what little money they can get their hands on when Jobseeker's Allowance already pays 1% less than the absolute bare minimum unemployed individuals require to survive in the UK.

Yes there were quite a few questions raised, and quite a bit of skepticism, but none more skeptic than questions raised on Cameron's new Fracking Law. You see, as it happens, Cameron used the Queen's Speech as a setup to his latest proposal to change Trespassing Law so that Fracking Corporations can freely drill for shale gas beneath your property from a safe distance. Safe for who?

The only people brought in to decide whether fracking will be safe in this country belong to fracking A-holes such as the much publicised Cuadrilla. That's like Coca-Cola saying that Coca-Cola is good for you because they say so and they have friends in high places, such as the FDA (US Food and Drug Administration). That's like the Surgeon General saying that smoking is good for pregnant women. That's like.... SO FUCKING MORONIC!!! not to mention that if a disaster does happen, like all those tremors caused by fracking anticipate, then frackers will have the money to pay off the government, and the victims such as the environment and its inhabitants will be left to rot.

Greenpeace environmental activists protest by attacking David Cameron

Protesters made the wonderful act of condemning Cameron's country constituency home in due response, which was a smooth move indeed. But I have to be open and honest when I say that it just isn't enough. When it isn't enough that fracking companies are given free reign over the countryside, despite massive protest on behalf of the public (we've seen the effects in the States), and what the government sells off is never good enough for them, it just wasn't good enough that the police were brought in to handle protesters with unnecessary force. It wasn't enough that the courts seemed to be just as biased as the police, who acted like thuggish private security goons.

Barton Moss woman Vanda arrested and beaten by police at fracking protest

It isn't enough that you can own your property and the land that your property sits on. Those frackers won't have to pay you a penny to rape the absolute shit out of the earth beneath your feet, even if you own it, and there's nothing you can do about it. So I guess we'll just have to follow their good example and trespass like the country's going out of style!

A massive thank you to protesters everywhere for your solid work. A special tribute to you...

Greater Manchester Police in force at the Barton Moss Anti-Fracking Protest Site

Thanks for reading and make sure to check us out for updates. Feel free to leave a comment.

-Dan Ashley
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