Simpolitics: Punching the Clock on the Voting Circus

This article was roughly a week in the making, mostly because I wanted to touch all bases on the current political party affairs without being too serious or long-winded. That's not easy when it comes to politics, unless you're a politician. Then it's all fun and games, especially when it's time to vote!

It's disturbing how it's always the same, every damn year. You have your big two parties trying to avoid conflict while smearing each others' reputations in the public eye. Meanwhile the contending political clowns take the limelight only to be grilled to death in gruelling public debates, and the smaller parties fade into the background quicker every time around. Sometimes it boils down to the fact that media coverage of the leading parties doesn't give the little people the coverage they deserve. Sometimes it's just because there are parties out there that don't deserve the recognition.

But why can't a party catch our attention without mass media sensationalism? Why can't we make our choices based on what's best for this country without joining in the same old pissing contest? Why drown out the more sensible voices with your repetitive cunt-punting of political leaders we already know are complete and utter pillocks? Simpolitics is here to punch the clock on the bullshit and to state the obvious with all the subtlety of a Frankie Boyle brain fart!

Simpolitics for Nerd Genious debates the political parties gunning for European Parliament

So why is it that the papers (tabloids especially) assume we want to read the same old bollocks every year? It all comes down to political allegiance. The Daily Express, for instance, has backed the Conservatives since World War 2, with the exception of swaying towards Labour in 2001. In fact, you won't find many popular newspapers across England in favour of the Labour party. Regardless, the power hungry tycoons such as News Corp's Rupert Murdoch have free reign in ruining any chances of democracy by playing both sides under the pretense of friendly competition, if not fence-sitting. Need a smear campaign to destroy the opposition? Pay somebody to take sides. That's not news.

I'm mentioning this so that you'll stop reading the papers if you ever want an unbiased approach to politics. Instead, since more people are likely to take up voting than usual when it's time to boot those elitist Tories out of Downing Street next year, you're probably well aware that the best thing to do is to get involved in local politics and see how it works at ground level.

Today is a perfect day to do that. Not only are the regional ballot boxes awaiting your vote, the European Parliamentary Elections are now underway, and if we want positive change, it has to be for the good of the world, not just the UK!

So who do we look to when we want the job done?

THE TORIES?

David Cameron and Nick Clegg hilarious political satire picture
Factually Incorrect: Dave's head is situated at the arse!
Fucking goddamn HELL NO!!!

With their fake coalition front "sharing" governmental power with the Lib Dems, Cameron and his elite SS squad of school bullies (including the grudge-bearing ex-Tory leader IDS) went back on everything they promised the voters that clearly had no place in their bigger picture. Ever since, they've partaken in the systematic dismantling of everything that keeps this country held together.

Promoting a fairer country for the hard working, during this difficult time of recession and massive financial losses, they've put the unemployed into unpaid work, thrown the disabled into the street and completely ignored critical levels of poverty. Austerity, by their standards, meant taxing the super-wealthy less and making those that cannot work bear the burden, along with the elderly and children that cannot care for themselves.

We're in this together, and that's the problem with the Tories. They're as good as the Devil when it comes to expecting a fair deal. If we're to get out of this mess, let alone the mess we're about to face come the next decade, we can't rely on a government that favours tax-dodging corporations over a population that is desperately trying to ignore the fact that they are broke and cracking under pressure.

There's also no reason you should want them capitalising on taking another seat in European Parliament, either, considering that all they do is blame the EU for their own shortcomings. The Tories were accused of abusing human rights, as a result of their critical reforms and get-out-of-debt-quick schemes. Giving them a greater voice in Europe is essentially as effective as cutting off your own tongue!

LABOUR?

Labour's smartest leader, Ed Miliband, brother of Conservative minister David Miliband
"I'm not lying, they were this big..."
Long-suffering Ed Miliband is one of the most intelligent politicians this country has seen in a long time. If there's any one potential Prime Minister that has the strategic ability to govern this country like a total boss, it's Ed. Following the latest trend in big-time politics, he's relatively very young, but don't let that fool you into thinking that he doesn't have the experience!

He's a good talker and comes from a background we can relate to. Only last year or the year before, his father was accused of being "anti-Britain" in a pathetic smear attempt. It's clear that his enemies know how to get under his skin, but thankfully, the public isn't as callous as it may seem. Ed's dad didn't hate Britain. He'd fought for us. No, just like anybody with a heart and half a mind, he just hated what Britain was becoming. And why the hell not? You don't lay your life on the line for a democracy gone senile. That's one huge problem today. Political agendas are so often self-serving. Leaders seldom lead the majority by example.

Labout's big problem right now is that they're not very sociable people when it comes to arguing their case in parliament. I don't blame them. Only so much searing wit would prevent me from wanting to literally eat those sneering Tories while Miliband and Ed Balls are laughed down every time they try to state the fucking obvious. And the most humiliating thing about politics is that you can be a total prick and run the country, but you'll suffer for your high IQ level if you've bruised an Eton boy's ego and threatened his career.

That's one thing I like about Ed Miliband. The Tories love to weigh in on him, they don't seem to take him seriously when they're both in the spotlight, and that's because they're threatened by him. It's hard to be a Tory without a sense of humour. Just look at Iain Duncan Smith's CV (not the one he doctored when he was Conservative Party Leader)!

LIBERAL DEMOCRATS?

Liberal Democrats are so out of touch, they might as well be lost in the desert

I often wonder if politicians set out to join the Lib Dems because they know they'll never have to get off their arses and try so hard. Ever since Nick Clegg took the commiseration prize of Deputy PM/Father Dougal Maguire clone, just to get his party a little bit of control, they've shown just how underwhelming they really are.

I hate to say it but do you remember that dapper Scottish fella they ejected from leadership over his drinking habit? Yeah, Charles Kennedy! He was the best leader the Lib Dems have ever had, and that is a sure sign as to why the Conservative "half" of their coalition doesn't take them seriously. When it comes to getting what they want, they do it badly. It's still surprising, though, why they suck at this politics gig. In the US, you either choose between Lib Dems or Republican. Nobody else ever gets a second thought in the States. We should be so simple in our choices, wouldn't you think? The UK is becoming so Americanised, after all, that the same politics should apply, not that I want them to.


In fact, Clegg's leadership of the party up until 2010 was admirable. Many of us had high hopes for this young contender; this man that made such great sense when the Tories were replying to public outrage by picking Gordon Brown apart. What the fuck happened? Shit happened, and nobody will ever take him seriously again.

The Lib Dems remain a popular choice regionally. I don't bear a grudge against people for who they elect locally because depending where you live, different strokes for different folks, right? However, electing the Lib Dems for a European Parliament seat would do nothing for us at this point in time. They need to grow a set of balls and stop acting like a party in the throes of a midlife crisis!

UKIP?

Comical politician of "that racist party" UKIP
Strike a pose and Vogue.
One of this year's most popular parties, it isn't hard to see why, despite their awful PR strategy. The elections are a media circus, a carnival full of strange characters that requires good old British humour. Unfortunately for the bumbling Nigel Farage, whose occasional moment of greatness are marred by complete stupidity, the nation does not pigeonhole itself under that stereotype of how the world sees us. As much as I loved the old photo of our Nige punked up and photobombing an unsuspecting bobby, how do you relate that kid with the man today?

As I discussed with a friend today, for a party that doesn't want to come across as racist, they're doing a shite job. In fact, how strange it is that the BNP are quietly and confidently creeping back relatively unnoticed. Maybe we just know deep down that they don't stand a chance, but we should be more realistically worried that UKIP do stand a chance.

UKIP and Nigel Farage don't just represent a people that have had it with Europe, they're leading a disturbing trend of parties wanting the UK to go it's own way completely. Head down to vote tonight and read the list, it speaks loud and clear. But we cannot stand alone, and with today's geopolitical and financial woes, we need to quit this overly romanticised belief that we are better off alone and sort our priorities.

Independence from Europe won't bring more jobs, it won't stop you bitching and whining about immigration and it sure as hell won't help relations with ethnic communities that are isolated and alienated enough without forcing out of touch ideals on them like Cameron forced on the sick and unemployed. You might think he's a bit of a laugh and that he's too funny a guy to cause any harm, but think again. UKIP is as bad a choice as the BNP!

BNP?

Ex-convict BNP leader Nick Griffin suspected Nazi
Is he looking over here or over there?

LOL... NO!!!

BEZ'S REALITY PARTY (PRONOUNCED REALI-EH PART-EH)

Manchester rock band The Happy Mondays' Bez for political Reality Party
"We all need to, like, sort our lives out, yeah?!!"
Sure, they're only new and they're not going to Europe, but I'll say pretty much the same for this as I said for reality television; these are the last people on Earth qualified to define reality!

THE GREEN PARTY?

Journalist, Feminist, Politician and Environmentalist natalie Bennett

Today I voted to keep my community under Labour, then I voted for the Green Party at the European elections ballot. Ten years ago, despite agreeing largely with their proposals and what they stood for, I didn't think that the Green Party had their heads completely screwed on. I actually lumped them in the same boat as the likes of the Screaming Lord Sutch Party or the Raving Loony Party, doubting that they were worth taking seriously!

You tend to think that the Conservative name stands for what the Green Party stands for, conserving the country and finding safer alternative ways to move forward. Then the Conservatives decide to spend all our much needed austerity money on HS1 and 2, while selling out the northwest greenbelt to fracking corporations. You'd think that Labour would be a bit more sensitive, but Labour's aim is to build industry, not to leave unturned stones exactly where they should lay.

All you have to do to see the shit we're in after the Conservatives take a hike is to read up on why the US's oil pipeline to Canada isn't doing it any favours, because climate change is making it really hard to keep drilling the gulf and time is nearly up on the Arabs' once vast supply. Fracking is another story. Aside from the damage it does to the environment, the world's engines cannot run on gas alone and dumping wind turbines all over the show isn't going to help in the long run.

If you don't want to look at it from a tree hugger's point of view, think about how the corporations that get away with tax evasion will operate under a party that doesn't bargain with piss-takers. This nation is already kitted out with energy conserving gizmos of all kinds and we're doing our own recycling where the leading corporations are wasting at will. If you think that a Green Party is going to benefit anyone else better than you, then you may be stuck in the mire of believing the con artists over the people looking to restore more natural order and not trying to spin that fact in any way.

Putting the Green Party into Europe would be a great balance to all that stands and if we want to be taken seriously in Europe, we need innovative politics that can create new industries while cleaning up the mess of the last few decades. Is that not hard work you can actually get behind? If you love Britain so much, you'd love that idea. That's why I want to see the Green Party become more in Europe. I want them to prove their mettle and to prepare for a future with a little more certainty than we're currently getting!

Artist Banksy says Vote Green

If you haven't made your choice, it's not too late. Just remember that the future of the UK is no different to that of Europe and ask yourself: are we really better off alone? As for electing locally, all you have to do is look out of your window or take a five minute walk to know best what your community needs!

Thanks again for reading and feel free to drop us a comment below.

-Dan Ashley
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